Posts tagged dad
Posts tagged dad
One of the coolest things about Twitter is that it gives a comedian a chance to interact with a ton more people than one would from just doing live comedy. It’s amazing and very soul-warming to have people I haven’t met like my jokes. But it’s no less soul-warming when they take my jokes very seriously. It makes me remember that hey, people are nice! and also laugh really hard.
So I grew up without a dad. It wasn’t great. My mom had to work all the time, plus I used to imagine I was riding on my own shoulders all the time. But you know what? Not having a dad is also hilarious.
Like this graffiti that looks like it was created specifically for me.
Or this tweet I tweeted this in response to a popular hashtag game #mentionachildhoodgame:
This was too sad for some of my followers.
Then one of them one-upped my sad (one-downed?).
And my favorite, the girl who also grew up without a father or proper grammar instruction, but felt so bad for me I ACTUALLY ENDED UP REASSURING HER ABOUT MY LIFE.
After I typed the above sentence, I realized how ridiculous it was. But it’s still really nice that my dad makes strangers from the internet sad. If I ever meet him, boy are we gonna share a laugh over this with his new wife and children!!
Thank you for your caring, kind strangers. You are harder to find on the internet than my father is in my life.
From what I understand, I was conceived at a computer conference by two Russian computer programmers after they had already broken up. If there’s a sadder sentence that captures the magical moment of the creation of a brand-new life, I haven’t heard it. If I’d been conceived by two felons in a garbage truck, it would have probably been a more joyous occasion than that of two Linux-lovers who’d already given up on their relationship, making one last final desperate sexing.
My mom doesn’t talk about my dad much, and by much I mean never. I know he’s only seen me twice, once when I was only a couple months old, and then again when I was 11 and we were leaving Ukraine for America. I didn’t know it was him either time – the first because I was a dumbass baby, and the second because I never knew he was there. It would be true to say I grew up without a father, but it wouldn’t be exactly accurate.
When I was born, we lived with my grandparents. I thought I had a father who just happened to be old and somehow involved with the older lady who also lived with us, but it didn’t concern me much – hey, it’s your life, man! But at some point, a family friend corrected me, “He’s your grandfather, honey.”
Oooooooh, that sucks, I thought. I mean, not for my grandmother, it was good news for her that she wasn’t the third wheel after all. But she already had it pretty good, getting to cook and clean up after me all the time. For me, this was terrible news. Grandfathers were old and didn’t do cool stuff and forgot everything and their pockets were full of old tissues and sticky butterscotches and they couldn’t give you rides on their shoulders on account of the sciatica. They were total crap. This was total crap.
The first sign that my grandfather was less of a grandfather and more of a father is that he was gone a lot. He was the head electrician on a huge ship that sailed from Odessa, Ukraine, where we lived, to countries all over the world. When I was older and we were already living in Los Angeles, we marked up a world map with every country he visited (45 in all), and he installed little Christmas lights in all the ports on the map. All of them blinked off and on, except for the one by Odessa. “That one always stays on,” he said.
He became even cooler when he showed me all the photos and postcards from his trips. I mean, ALL of them. Not just the beautiful ones of the Venice canals and the amazing ones of the pilgrims traveling to Mecca, but the ones of the naked women at the equator, and him and the guys on his ship in women’s clothes, clearly drunk, celebrating the festival of Poseidon, and the topless hologram-like postcard of Hawaii one where the big-eyed big-titted girl winked when you tilted it. It seemed this guy had serious balls. I was impressed.
What sold me on him completely was the first time he told me a war story, that clichéd experience we’ve seen a thousand times on a thousand sitcoms, “The Abe Simpson.” Except our experience went a little differently.
“Tell me about the war,” I asked. He thought for a couple of seconds. He had volunteered to fight in World War II when he was seventeen, which seemed romantic and old-fashioned and adventurous, like War and Peace, or the mini-series I liked to watch on TV.
“Well, there was this young kid in my battalion, I mean we were all young, but this good-looking blonde kid, real good heart, a Russian kid. We were next to each other in the trench, and it was really coming down out there, just heavy fire and shells bursting everywhere, and he looks at me and says, ‘Villi, you’re one lucky bastard, how about we switch places, huh?’ I shrugged, because you know, one place is as good as another to me, so we switched. Not a couple minutes later a grenade explodes, and I look over at the kid, and his face is so white, like a sheet, and I grab his shoulder and I say, ‘Hey, you alright? And the kid kind of slides down, and his guts fall out. Of his back. I thought he was just scared, but his guts are just falling out of his back and I know he’s not gonna make it. And he smiles and says, ‘I guess you really are a lucky son of a bitch,’ and he dies.”
Then my grandfather looked at me and picked his nose. Holy crap, I thought. I just wanted to hang out and get to know him better, not get my soul fucked.
“Did you feel bad about it, grandpa?” I asked breathlessly.
He shrugged. “Why should I, he’s the one that wanted to switch!”
Wow. This guy was no grandpa. What a tough son of a bitch. He inspired me. I leaned forward conspiratorially, “Grandpa, I have a proposition for you.”
Up until then, I had never deliberately disobeyed my mother. Sure, there were white lies and some dessert-stealing, but we had never come to blows over anything. That was until pierced ears. I needed them to feel alive and even though I didn’t know why or how they would make me feel that way, I knew they would change me and my entire experience of the world. My mother didn’t understand my passion.
I took a deep breath and leveled with my grandfather, “Listen grandpa, I really want my ears pierced, and my mom said no. Can you help me?”
I looked in his eyes as intently as I could, and picked my own nose for emphasis.
“You sure you really want this?” He asked.
Twenty minutes later we were at the clinic where my grandmother used to work as a doctor before she retired. As soon as my grandfather walked in, he somehow immediately became surrounded by eight giggling nurses in starched white uniforms. They smelled nice but also a little scary.
“Villi, what people! How long has it been? Hello hello hello!” they cooed, and covered him in red lipstick kisses. He was beaming and shooting compliments at them like a sprinkler, at steady intervals punctuated by explosive lady laughter. I realized I had no idea who this guy was. I mean, he has the build of Santa Claus, the face of a baseball mitt but with shrapnel in it, and the manners of well, a sailor, which is what he is, and these women were freaking out over him. This was the first but by far not the last time I experienced the unbelievable effect he has on women. He’s 87 now and has the young shy Asian nurses at his pacemaker doctor eating out of the palm of his hand.
“Ladies, ladies, my granddaughter is here, come on, this isn’t how I want her to find out about how babies are made!”
The nurses explode with giggles again, and I try to say over them, “Grandpa, I already know about that, Mom gave me a book. It’s with genitals.”
They laugh even harder. “This one, this one is definitely your granddaughter!”
My grandfather laughs and looks proud. “She’s here to get her ears pierced, I know you fine ladies’ll take care of her.”
“Of course, of course! What a big girl!” coo the nurses and touch my face and hair. I act like I don’t like it, but I like it a lot. My grandfather takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and unwraps it, showing a pair of tiny gold hoops. “Ah, you brought the samokolki!” the nurses nod approvingly. Samokolki literally translate to “self-piercing,” and are tiny hoops with very sharp points. They’re a very common and traditional way to get your ears pierced in Russia.
All the nurses but one leave, and I jump onto an exam table as the blonde nurse takes out rubbing alcohol and cotton, and proceeds to swab my earlobes. I look at my grandfather, who seems to be standing a little further from me than I thought.
“Is it gonna hurt?” I ask the nurse.
“No, sweet girl, it’s just gonna be a little sore later.”
“Ready?” The nurse asks, and before I can answer she deftly pushes the sharp hoop through my right earlobe and I draw a breath, sharply.
“That one’s done, just have to close it!” Says the nurse.
“Come hold my hand, grandpa!” I say and look to the spot where I had last seen him. He’s not there. I look around the room, and he’s not in it. I look through the doorway into another room, where I see him, leaning and breathing heavily on the doorframe. His tan face is the color of the clinic walls, and for the first time his bearish frame looks small to me.
As my grandfather starts to slide down to the floor, a bunch of nurses grab his arms and lay him down on the exam table in the other room.
As I’m sitting there, shocked, the nurse pierces my other ear and closes the hoop.
“All done!” She sings to me and playfully tugs on my braid. I’m so stunned to see the guy who picks his nose in the face of bloody gut-spilling death laid out by a mostly bloodless ear-piercing that I forget all about my new ear holes.
“What’s wrong with him?” I ask the nurse.
“He loves you too much to see you hurt, understand?” She explains. “Don’t feel bad, okay love?”
I don’t really get what she means.
“Why should I feel bad, he’s the one that wanted to take me,” I shrug in the nurse’s shocked face and jump off the exam table.
My gramps and I became war buddies that day, forever bonded by our bravery in defying my mother. Our relationship is still pretty much the same – he tells me things that grandpas shouldn’t, and I don’t take any of his shit. We like to bust each other’s balls – I’d say he was my first partner in comedy. The way he commands a room with his charisma and sense of humor is something I’ve been trying to imitate since I was six. With age he holds back even less. He can be manipulative, sexist, tyrannical, show blatant favoritism between his children, and the main self-proclaimed reason for why he’s with his girlfriend is that she’s clean. He’s a lunatic, but he’s my lunatic, and I love him like a father.
Happy Father’s Day to you, you sweet bastard, and to all the grandparents, moms, aunts, and uncles, who take on the role of dad with love, enthusiasm and patience! Your effect on the kids you raise is immeasurable.
This Is What I Did at Work Today Part 2